I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have two small children together. I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother, who was a stern disciplinarian when I was growing up, and is deeply sensitive and lacks social confidence. I too am probably overly sensitive and get anxious.
My partner believes that my mother doesn’t think she is good enough for me. There have been numerous hints that this is the case, and she recently told me she was surprised when I started a relationship with someone whom she considers to be of “a different class”.
My partner wants nothing to do with my mother and has not spoken to her in a couple of years. I was estranged for around a year and a half after my mother offered to help us through a period of financial difficulty in the early years of having children, but only if I officially separated from my partner and her parents matched the contribution. We recently reconciled, at which point my mother told my father that she would commit suicide if she were held responsible for the estrangement.
Most recently my mother has taken the position that she will cut me out of her will if my partner continues her estrangement. I feel my partner should be entitled to do what she wants, and that we should present a united front. I am really struggling with what I see as manipulation at a time when I am trying to do the best for my children, and am considering walking away again. Would that be doing the right thing?
Walking away from family is never easy; it’s rarely The End. If this relationship were between partners we would categorise it, quite correctly, as coercive and abusive. Yet we often fail to see the very same traits in familial relationships.
That said, it’s important we remember that your mum’s money is hers to do what she wants with and none us are “due” an inheritance. Unfortunately, as in so many letters I get, your mother is using her money as a way of – very effectively – controlling you.
The thing is, this will never end if you give in to her now. It may be fine for a while, but then there will be another thing she wants you to do, and she’ll use additional threats to try to get it. If you need money it may be easier, and cost you less in the long run, to borrow it from an institution.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Joanne Hipplewith to discuss your letter. “There seems to be a lack of separation in your relationship with your mother, and during times of need this is enacted in unhelpful ways,” she says. “At times, your mother is unable to take responsibility for her statements and their consequences.”
Any threats of suicide should be taken seriously, but in the context you shared you can’t be held responsible for her words or her actions. If you’ve been brought up with a controlling mother (I imagine she’s always been like this?), then this probably feels familiar, par for the course. But if you can detach and see this for what it is – not love, but manipulation – it may help free you, because what tethers you is the pull of money and the hope of love (and don’t confuse money for love). I’m not saying she doesn’t love you, but this behaviour is not loving.
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Hipplewith also said something very pertinent, which is worth remembering when we grapple for a definitively right path: “Your decision will be difficult, but even so, it does not mean you have done the wrong thing. In family life, and living, there are no right or wrong decisions. We tend to operate in the grey, and do what is best for us right now and hope the future is better or different.”
Easier said than done, but you should resign yourself to getting no money and then decide what you want to do. It would be a strong power move for you and your family to tell your mum she must, of course, do what she wishes with her money but that it won’t dictate what you do. Remember, otherwise it won’t stop here and there will be other demands. And anyway, there isn’t any guarantee of love, or money, at the end of it. You don’t need to walk away from your mother, but do walk away from her money.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
