Glenn, 49
Sex used to feel like an obligation, now it feels like a team activity in pursuit of pleasure
Josephine is only the second person I’ve had sex with. The first was my ex-wife of 25 years, the last seven of which were sexless. Josephine and I met as colleagues, but we became very close friends and, over the years, I confided in her about my unhappy marriage. When I was getting divorced, I confessed to Josephine that I was nervous about being intimate with another woman. That’s when she suggested she and I have sex. Our first night together, I was scared to be naked in front of someone after such a long time. But I was even more worried that, if it didn’t work out, I’d lose my best friend. It felt like jumping off a cliff.
Sex with Josephine is completely different to the sex I’d had with my wife. She’s confident in herself and assures me that I’m good enough – and that my penis isn’t too small, which is another thing I worried about.
She reminds me that sex is fun, it isn’t a performance I’m being graded on or a test I could fail. Sex used to feel like an obligation or transaction, now it feels like a team activity in pursuit of pleasure.
There is a 12-year age gap between us, which is only really challenging in a practical sense because we’re at different stages of our lives. Josephine says that I could be with someone much younger, but I love her. When our friends comment on the age gap, calling her a cougar, I know they are joking, but it makes Josephine feel insecure, so I often have to reassure her that I’m attracted to her.
I suppose we both get a little nervous sometimes, but we know how to comfort each other. I take anxiety medication, and one side-effect is that I struggle to orgasm. I used to hear “Are you finished yet?” but with Josephine, it means we spend more time being intimate. We don’t have to have a goal. Josephine mostly takes the lead. With her encouragement, I’m learning to take charge, but it’s not something that comes naturally. It took me a long time to believe that Josephine enjoys having sex with me, but she’s convinced me that she really does get pleasure from my pleasure.
Josephine, 61
We’ve learned that orgasm is just the dessert, and without it, it doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy the rest of the meal
Glenn and I were at a work party when he smiled at me. It felt as if I’d been hit by a bolt of lightning. But I brushed it off, knowing he was married and nothing could happen. When he eventually left his wife – a year after he told me he was thinking of divorcing her – his five-year plan involved getting laid. So I suggested that on the day of his divorce, we go on a date and spend the night together.
He jumped the gun and made a move before his divorce went through. Because it was unexpected, I didn’t have lubricant and knew it would hurt without it, so there was no penetration. I’ve found intercourse a bit uncomfortable since menopause, and I now take oestrogen, which helps, but I still prefer oral. On a successful night, we’ll both orgasm, but we’ve learned that orgasm is just the dessert, and it doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy the rest of the meal without it.
To be good at anything, including sex, you need positive feedback, so I encourage Glenn by telling him when he’s done a good job, which has helped with his performance anxiety. I’d also been celibate for six years before the first time we had sex.
Sometimes, I worry about Glenn leaving. Although I look good for a woman in her 60s, I could wake up one day and look my age. He could be with someone in their 30s. How can I compete with that? But he makes me feel adored. When I express my fears, and point out women in our running club who are faster than me, younger than me, he says, “Well they’re not as good a biochemist as you.”
I wish our age gap weren’t so big. Glenn tells me it doesn’t bother him, but I just feel old in comparison. Mostly, I feel sad I wasted all those years not spent with my true love. But then when we think about it, the age difference makes it impossible. When I was 30, he was 18. We talk about fantasy worlds where we’re the same age and about our future – when Glenn retires, we’ll move to Scotland and live in a cottage away from everyone. I’ve never been able to picture that far ahead with anyone before.
