People love to tell singles to “put themselves out there” like they’re bits of fishing tackle. What does that even mean? Dress in something shiny, submerge yourself in murky water and hook the first unsuspecting vertebrate that comes to investigate?
Actually, dating can feel that way sometimes. But it doesn’t have to. Experts say finding a partner does take time and effort. Fortunately, it can also be fun.
Date yourself first
In order to find what you’re looking for, you need to understand who’s looking.
“A lot of people jump into relationships hoping the other person will help them explore who they are,” says Lamont White, a dating coach. But that’s not a partner’s responsibility, he says.
Before swan-diving into the dating pool, establish your own values and priorities. Is family important to you? Staying active? Travel? How do you feel about all of the things you’re not supposed to discuss at dinner parties – sex, politics, spirituality?
You can explore these questions within platonic relationships. “Spending time with friends really helps you figure out what your interests are and how you connect with other people,” White says, adding that working with a therapist or dating coach is also helpful.
It’s also useful to know your patterns, says Bela Gandhi, dating coach at the Smart Dating Academy and host of the Smart Dating Academy podcast. Once you have an idea of what you’re looking for, ask yourself why. Do you have destructive patterns from previous relationships? Reflect on how your family of origin has had an impact on your partner choices, and whether the qualities you want in a partner will make you happy.
The apps are your friend
Many feel disillusioned with dating apps. But experts say they’re still a great way to meet potential partners.
There are three main pipelines for meeting people, says Gandhi: online dating, in real life and getting set up by friends or family. Of those, online dating is the easiest way to meet the greatest number of people.
“How many people want to be going to five events a week? How many have friends that are willing to set them up at a high velocity?” Gandhi says. “Dating is a numbers game, and you want to play the numbers smart.”
There are dozens of app options, but start with just one so you don’t get overwhelmed, says Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of A Little Nudge. “It’s better to do one or two well and proactively than seven in a scattered way.”
Make a strong profile
Once you have an account, take time to write a thoughtful profile. “A lot of people rush through the most important part, which is selling yourself,” says Ettin.
With her clients, Ettin does an exercise called “Name your five”: five nouns that, when put together, could only describe you. For example, Ettin says her own are: puns, crosswords, whiskey, dating coach and dogs. Identifying your five is a good way to identify what you want to include in your profile so potential matches can get an idea of you as a person.
“The key is to be unique,” says Ettin. “Too many people try to cast a wide net. I’d rather you cast a smaller net by being who you actually are.”
A good profile needs good pictures. Experts recommend at least six current pictures that are a mix of face and body shots that illustrate your interests and how you spend your time.
“If you like bike riding, I need to see pictures of you on a bike,” says White.
Chat, but not for too long
To meet people on the apps, you have to actually talk to people on the apps. Reach out to people and respond to those who reach out to you. This doesn’t have to be a second full-time job. Ettin suggests logging in 15 minutes earlier in the day and 15 minutes later in the day. “That way, you’re always getting back to people within 24 hours, but you’re not obsessed with it.”
Don’t waste your time chatting with people who aren’t engaged. “If somebody’s just answering your questions and not asking a question back, drop that,” says Gandhi.
If someone is engaged, Ettin suggests setting up a date within a week of matching. “Otherwise it’s too much texting, and no one has time for that,” she says.
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You can still meet people in person, but it takes work
If the apps sound completely unappealing to you, it’s still possible to meet people in person. It just takes commitment, says White.
“You have to leave the house,” he says.
Go places where it’s easy to interact with others, like a coffee shop or a local park with a walking or jogging trail. Ettin suggests going to three events a month: one dating event, such as speed dating or a singles night, and two events that allow you to get out of your comfort zone. “Maybe it’s a comedy show, maybe it’s a new fitness class. Make it something where you’re going to see people you don’t usually see,” she says.
Once you’re out and about, approach people. This can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. White recommends a three-step approach: “Say hello, give a compliment, and ask a question.”
On a walking trail, for example, you might say: “Hi, I love those sneakers you’re wearing. Where did you get them?” If they seem receptive, keep chatting. If they don’t, walk on.
Skip the dinner date
You’ve scheduled a first date with someone. Great! Now what?
Don’t do dinner, experts say – it’s too much of a time commitment. Start with something simple, like drinks or coffee.
“There’s something really lovely about walking with somebody,” Gandhi says. “Conversations tend to be more vulnerable.”
A walk also gives you more flexibility. If a date is going poorly, you can cut it short, but if it’s going well, you can suggest stopping somewhere for a drink or a bite.
Pay attention!
People tend to put too much pressure on the first date. You don’t need their whole life story, nor do you need to know whether they’re your future life partner.
“I would rather you learn nothing, but remember how you felt about yourself with them,” Ettin says. Did you feel good? Attractive? Did you feel like the person was listening and engaged? Were they kind?
Too often, experts say, people get distracted by a date’s looks or their qualities on paper, and don’t notice whether the person’s values align with their own.
“If family is one of your core values and something that’s important in the type of relationship you want, pay attention to how often you hear the other person talking about interacting, calling and engaging with their family members,” White says.
And if someone’s rude to a server? Pass. “It’s five minutes before that anger’s directed at you,” says Gandhi.
Date a lot
You’re not exclusive until you’re exclusive. Experts encourage dating multiple people at once as a way of keeping your options open and not slipping into a scarcity mindset that leads you to ignore red flags.
“When we have multiple options, we feel more powerful,” says Gandhi. “You want to feel like you’re at the steering wheel of your dating life.”
Take a break if you need one
Even with the most thoughtful, strategic approach, dating can be exhausting. If you’re feeling burned out, take a break.
“If you feel like you’re showing up to dates jaded, don’t do that,” says Ettin.
When you hit a wall, White recommends taking a 30-day break. That way, “you can refocus, and your body can start to long for a romantic interest again”.
