After years of eating the wares of service station hot cabinets, stadium menus and country bakeries, I never found a pie I didn’t enjoy. I doubted such a thing existed. But I thought maybe, somewhere in the depths of an Australian supermarket freezer, I would find it: a pie that would save me from the shame and utter plainness of writing an article that says “any pie is fine”.
I bought every frozen or refrigerated pie labelled beef or meat and did a blind taste test with a team of Sydney bakers and chefs – Rob Pirina (Glenorie Bakery), Tom Mitchell (Shadow Baking), Andy Bowdy (Kiln), Justin Narayan (MasterChef), Toby Wilson (Ricos Tacos), Kimmy Gastmeier (Cherry Moon General Store) and Ryan Broomfield (Broomfields Pies).
I cooked the pies according to their packet instructions then placed them in a pie warmer. Each judge was allowed to use tomato sauce at their discretion (only Heinz was provided). We scored the pastry and filling separately, then combined the scores to give a final mark out of 10.
We tried 12 brands. Some were priced at $7 a pie, others were less than a dollar each, but despite a few outliers, there wasn’t that much separating them. Most of the pies we ate had similar dense, butterless and almost biscuit-like pastries, and while the quality of meat and gravy varied, the style of stew remained pretty predictable. By the end of the taste test, I had found only one pie I never wanted to eat again.
The best
Elmsbury Chunky Sous Vide Slow Cooked Beef, 400g, $6.49 for two pies ($1.62 per 100g), available from Aldi
Score: 7.5/10
If you had any expectations that the winner might be a 9/10, maybe something roughly equivalent to a good bakery pie, then look at the price – these cost less than $3.50 a pie. That doesn’t afford a buttery, flaky pastry or the kind of stew you’d be proud to serve a date. But it does afford the kind of dense, margarine-enriched pastry you might expect on a gluten-free quiche, and a stew you might be happy to serve yourself on Thursday night while you watch Rush Hour. Unless you’re a snob, that’s a great night.
Herbert Adams Chunky Sous Vide Beef in Rich Gravy, 400g, $9.50 for two pies ($2.38 per 100g), available at large supermarkets
Score: 7.5/10
There was very little separating the top two pies in score, appeal, ingredients or packaging. Likely, that’s Elmsbury’s aim. They’re not trying to bring a new idea to the world, they’re trying to be like Herbert Adams, but they’re not quite there – not worse, just different. Herbert lost points to Elmsbury for having a particularly thick layer of pastry but gained ground for having the better stew – the most accurate rendition of chunky beef we tried. Herbert Adams costs $3 more, so I’ll be buying Elmsbury.
The best value
Elmsbury Classic Chunky Beef Pies, 700g, $5.99 for four pies ($0.86 per 100g), available at Aldi
Score: 6/10
“What I want to dribble down my front at the footy,” one of the reviewers wrote. It was one of four football references written in the Elmsbury Classic Beef Pie column. If you’ve ever had a stadium pie, I want you to imagine that pie: this is a better version of that experience – more structural integrity, more recognisable meat (although there were two complaints of gristle or unusual textures which, judging by the ingredients, could have been textured soy protein) but still retaining that classic brown, gloopy stew. “A quintessential Aussie pie,” another reviewer wrote.
The rest
Four’N Twenty Angus Aussie Beef, 700g, $12 for four pies ($1.71 per 100g), available at large supermarkets
Score: 6.5/10
We tried two Four’N Twenty pies – this one and their cheaper “meat pie”, which has to be labelled that way because it doesn’t contain the requisite amount of beef to be called anything else. Both taste like they’re built to survive until the next century. The pastry is dry enough to fortify the meat against any microbial incursions and the filling is salty enough to dehydrate a small mammal. Unsurprisingly, the beef version got the better score, with many of the reviewers nostalgically relating it to servo pies. But its more mysterious, cheaper counterpart didn’t bomb; as one reviewer wrote, “Salty, MSG-laden but still tasty”, scoring a solid 5.5.
Mrs Mac’s Famous Beef, 700g, $10 for four pies ($1.43 per 100g), available at large supermarkets
Score: 6/10
Split the difference in quality between the two Four’N Twenty beef and meat pies and you get something like this – a very salty, basic pie. The pastry, which is so crunchy it’s almost like a crouton at the edge, makes it easy to eat, but the varied textures of the filling makes it hard to identify what’s in it. The ingredients reveal a decent amount of beef (27%) but I’m guessing it’s not from the most youthful cow.
Charlotte’s Bakery Chunky Beef, 400g, $11.80 for two pies ($2.95 per 100g), available at Coles
Score: 6/10
I cut every pie into quarters in front of the judging panel, giving us all an idea of each pie’s constitution. Charlotte’s seem made for battle: the pastry is solid enough that it might survive a Newtonian experiment, and the filling is so thick, gravity has little influence over it. But there’s some intrigue about the filling – a bit of sourness and spice (ingredients show items uncommon on the other packets: Worcestershire sauce, tomato paste, onion powder, spices and herbs). “Somewhat exotic flavour,” one reviewer wrote. Not a bad choice if you’re into bold flavours but if you’re reading this looking for a pie to throw at a clown, this is the worst choice.
Simmone Logue Chunky Beef and Vegetable, 450g, $13.99 for two pies ($3.11 per 100g), available from Woolworths and select grocers
Score: 5.5/10
One of the bakers took a bite of this, looked at me distrustingly and asked: “Did you include vegan pies in this?” Before I could answer, another baker said, “It’s good for a vegan pie.” This pie is not vegan – it was the only pie of the day to contain any butter – but it also had the lowest percentage of beef (17%). Due to the fact it wasn’t a dry brick of crusty bread, I thought it had one of the best pastries of the day, but the group scored it too low on filling for it to rise higher up the ranks. One reviewer compared the filling to an overly tomatoey bolognese, and another wrote: “Filling sucks, refried beans vibes and there are visible carrots. I don’t need to see veggies in my meat pie.”
Ivan’s Chunky Angus Beef, 440g, $11.99 for two pies ($2.73 per 100g), available at Coles and select grocers
Score: 5/10
Neither Simmone Logue nor Ivan’s are classic pies; they’re not wild experiments either but the point is they’re not going to trigger any childhood school canteen pie nostalgia and, because of that they were unpopular. Simmone Logue was unpopular for being filled with something akin to my partner’s accidental ratatouille and Ivan’s for its herb dusting and goulash-like filling. If you don’t care about the genre boundaries of the meat pie and you just want a decent quality product, both of these are fine, albeit expensive, options.
Garlo’s Pies Lean Beef, 400g, $9.50 for two pies ($2.38 per 100g), available at large supermarkets
Score: 3/10
“Had promise with the top but the bottom pastry is soggy. Shit flavour and the meat is grainy, mealy and powdery.” After I revealed what brands we’d tried, the baker who wrote that review was shocked to find out he’d judged Garlo’s so harshly. “I eat Garlo’s all the time and they’ve never tasted garbage,” he said. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this sentiment at the end of a taste test. It reminds me of a quote my dad recounted to me once: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Garlo’s was far from the best pie but if you offered me one right now, I’d gladly eat it.
Elmsbury Classic Meat Pies, 900g, $5.69 for six pies ($0.63 per 100g), available at Aldi
Score: 2.5/10
Here it is, the one pie I never want to see again. Funnily, despite how truly upsetting this pie was for me – something so reliable taken away from me, like all of a sudden not enjoying the cuddle of a loved one – every other reviewer gave it an even lower score. This is what they said: “Tastes artificial and watery”, “Like eating a steamed lung, which is the worst way to have lung”, “Meat jelly, [looks] like dog food”, “How is there no liquid? It’s completely set.” What I want to know is how the same company that makes this miserable invention also makes the best and best-value meat pies on the market.
